Finding your true self can happen if you learn how to narrow your identity gap. In this week's blog, I explore how to do it, but first, let's review.Throughout this series, I talked about how many people, especially when they're young, follow the plans their parents set out for them and get stuck in the gap. They pay little attention to what they want because they're too busy pleasing others. I also discussed how this behavior can carry on throughout a person's life and negatively affect how they deal with friends and other outside interests.Unfortunately, to cope with the identity gap—that space in between who we are and who we want to be—people can get depressed. They can also develop anxiety and even become addicted to drugs, pornography, or food.

How to Overcome the Identity Gap

At this point, it's time to share what the secret is to overcoming the identity gap:

• You must stop looking for change, happiness, and validation from the outside world because these things only come from within.

Yes, each element listed above is hard to attain.It’s much easier to just go with the flow and conform to other people’s beliefs and desires. It’s easy to pop a pill, take a drink, or head to the casino instead of dealing with the issues plaguing your life. But as too many people have learned, going with the flow or succumbing to self-destructive things, such as addiction, will only provide temporary relief.If you want to become a genuine person on the outside, you must live your authentic self on the inside. It will take a shift in mindset, an understanding that things will never be the same, and the strength to deal with whatever changes come your way.

• If your friends don’t share the same values as you, it’s time to get new friends.

• If you feel like you’re caught in a dead-end job, it’s time to start building a career you can enjoy and be proud of.

• If you are an adult and your parents are still trying to dictate your life, it’s time to cut the cord and spend some time carving out your own life.

In essence, it’s time to stop living your life to make other people happy. The only person who should be keeping score of your life is you.

Ways to Narrow the Identity Gap

To overcome the identity gap, you need strategies for how to narrow it. The following list may help you become the person you were born to be.

1. Eliminate Negative Self-Talk

You are probably your own worst critic, but you need to be your own biggest cheerleader. If you’re the kind of person who tells yourself you'll never be happy because you don’t have what it takes to succeed, so you must accept situations dictated to you by others—you’re probably suffering from a low level of confidence and a negative attitude.It’s far easier to change your mindset than you might believe. When you find yourself giving in to other people's expectations, stop yourself when it starts happening. Then, you just have to flip the way you think. Instead of saying, “I don’t have what it takes to succeed,” think to yourself, “I am capable of doing what it takes to succeed.”

2. Stop Seeking the Approval of Others

When you go along with the crowd or follow your parents’ demands, you’re trying to gain their approval and acceptance. Well, how is that working out for you? The only stamp of approval you need is your own. Real friends will remain friends, and your parents will adjust to you making your own decisions.

3. Let the Past Go

It doesn’t matter what happened to you five years ago. There’s nothing you can do to change it. If you need to work through an issue, see a therapist or a life coach. Don't let past events and things people have said hold you back from a bright future. Your past helped shaped who you are today—but it does not have to dictate who you will be tomorrow.

4. Remove the Negative People

Are you with a partner who is always telling you that you’re not good enough? Is the crowd you eat lunch with at work always complaining about their day? Do your friends hold you back from branching out and trying new things? Negative people like to drag others down to their level. They want to be miserable, and as the saying goes, “Misery loves company.”You’ll immediately feel a dark cloud lift when you remove the people from your life who darken your day with their doom and gloom.

It is Possible to Narrow the Identity Gap

I hope that you’ve gotten something out of this series. You are indeed the only person who can make yourself happy. Nobody can force you to feel anything you’re not willing to feel.If you have a wide chasm between who you are and who you want to be, I wish you the best of luck in narrowing it.As a life coach, I've helped numerous individuals overcome identity gap problems. If you face any of the issues that I discussed in my blogs and feel like you need additional help, please feel free to reach out to me. I'll be more than happy to work with you as I have done for countless others.