Your identity gap. What do you know about it? Let's examine.Do you remember the first time you disappointed your parents ... I mean REALLY disappointed them?Regardless of what you did—whether you shoplifted an item, dated someone not right for you, decided to skip college, or fell into a million other things—the odds are that your parents' disappointment came from you not following an invisible script; one they had long ago written in their minds for how your life should go.
While I don’t condone shoplifting or anything illegal, I do think, in most situations, parents mean well.However, every young person eventually needs to push back against the expectations of their parents to figure out exactly who they are. Pushing back can also happen with relatives, friends, and teachers; pretty much anybody who has certain expectations based on the ideals they’ve created for other people.
Finding the Identity Gap
When you think about it, other people's expectations often put you in a no-win situation. You can go along with the plans set for you by your parents and not be true to yourself, or you can rebel and strike out on your own—which, unfortunately, often results in negative consequences.
It is in that space—the one between your expectations and those others have of you—where you find the identity gap. I’ll be taking a deeper look at this gap throughout my June blog series.
Understanding the Identity Gap
The easiest way to understand the identity gap is by picturing a valley with two mountains on either side. One of the mountains represents who you are, and the other represents who you wish to be. The valley is where we all live—where you live trying to balance other people's expectations of you against what you imagine to be a fulfilling life.From the very beginning, your parents took care of you. They decided what you would wear, what you would eat, and when it was time to go to bed. As you got older, they picked the school you went to and probably forced you to get good grades and participate in activities. For some people, the pressure continues after high school or college graduation to enter a particular career, marry the “right” kind of person, and raise children to someone else's specifications. In many cases, people just go along with the program and often to their deep unhappiness.
Ways to Analyze Your Identity Gap
Here are a few ideas to think about this week before the next blog is released to assist you in analyzing the identity gap in your life:
1. Communication Is Key
The expectations you believe people have for you may not be correct. Are you able to talk openly about who you would like to be and the decisions you’d like to make? Honestly, people won't know what you want out of life if you don't tell them. While opinions may differ, understanding can happen if you communicate. If anything, at least both parties will understand where each other is coming from.
2. Consider the Long-Term Consequences
Perhaps you feel like others pushed you into things, such as getting an education that you had no interest in. However, did you know that according to the Bureau of Labor Statistics, high school dropouts make an average of $515 per week, high school graduates make $718 per week, and college graduates with a bachelor’s degree make $1,189 per week?We change a lot in life, and being happy in the present is important; but it's also essential to recognize the things you should do now that will benefit you in the future. You'll likely regret it if you don’t.
3. Watch Out for Bad Choices
Sometimes, we feel the need to prove ourselves so strongly that we simply make bad decisions. Every person who gets hooked on drugs made the decision to try them that first time. People who are killed in auto accidents where they were driving twice the speed limit made the choice to speed.Unfortunately, it's sometimes human nature for people to act so far out of bounds to prove they are independent that the results of their actions end in death.Over the next few weeks, I’ll delve deeper into looking at bad decisions that come from struggling with the identity gap. I will also look at how we sometimes follow our script of phoniness to conform to groups and what is necessary to bridge the identity gap in a healthy, safe way.
If you'd like to take a look at my May blog series on mental health, start here: "Mental Health: The Truth Behind The Stigmas." Otherwise, I will see you next week.