Addictions and midlife crises happen for many reasons, and one of them includes the identity gap. As I discussed last week, the identity gap is the space between who you want to be and who you actually are. This week, I'd like you to go a step further and think of the gap as representing the person everybody sees versus the authentic version of yourself—the one you visualize in your mind and feel in your heart.
The Addiction Connection
Getting trapped in an identity gap starts early in life, and sadly, many people never step out of the shadow of the person others perceive them to be. They live their lives for others, not for themselves. Even more tragic is a lot of people develop addictions to cope with these kinds of situations.Regardless of a person's drug of choice, dependencies happen because some drugs stimulate the release of chemicals, such as dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, and a few others that are created in the brain to excite its “pleasure centers.” Unfortunately, what starts as a means of relief from reality becomes the only way to cope with it. Most addicts who reach a critical stage physically damage their pleasure chemical receptors leading them to need more of their addictive substance.The real problem isn’t the addiction—that’s a symptom of the problem. The core issue is addicts can’t cope with life on life’s terms, so the identity gap becomes wider than they can handle. What they need is to get at the root of their problem to fix it.While causes for addiction can come from different things, it is guaranteed that before a person becomes an addict, they have a wide identity gap.
The Midlife Connection
There are also people who reach a certain age and recognize their life has led them to a place they never thought they’d be. Ironically, it’s not that their current life is “bad” by most standards; it just isn’t what they expected. Dissatisfaction with life in this way is sometimes called a “midlife crisis” and happens more often to men than woman.For people who are in a midlife crisis, their identity gap is within themselves. They recognize they’ll never achieve the goals they had in their youth and try to fill that void by purchasing lavish things, such as sports cars or boats. Since they can’t be who they really want to be, they decide to be defined by their things. Sometimes, a man who goes through a midlife crisis will date a much younger woman—even if he is married—because having a pretty young girl is another thing by which he defines himself. Others will marry a younger woman and call her a trophy wife for the same reason.Hopefully, you’re not going through a midlife crisis. If you are, it is probably a good idea to seek intervention. According to Susan Krass Whitbourne Ph.D., "If you’re convinced that you’re having a midlife crisis, it might be worthwhile for you to follow up on the areas that concern you the most- whether it’s your health, your relationships, your job, or your well-being."
Bridge the Gap and Avoid Addiction and Midlife Crises
If you’re worried about developing an addiction or a midlife crisis, here are four ways to bridge the identity gap and stave off the unhealthy alternatives.
1. Accept Your Regrets
We all have them. You’ve made certain choices that were not the correct ones. With some, you can retrace your steps and make them right. With others, you simply have to come to peace with them. Having the wisdom to know the difference is key. Hanging onto regrets takes too much energy and too much headspace. Let go of them.
2. Stop Waiting for Things to Happen
The people who are the happiest and most authentic are not the ones sitting on the sidelines. They are the people who seize opportunities and try new things. Your life will probably never change if you’re waiting for an outside force to change it for you. Step up and make the changes you want to see happen.
3. Attempt a Healthier Lifestyle
Ask anybody who has been overweight and lived a sedentary life how they feel after getting healthy. It’s been proven time and time again that eating well and exercising will improve your physical, mental, spiritual, and emotional health. If you drink or smoke, try to cut that out of your life. You have one body. Take care of it.
4. Seek Outside Help
If you’re in a critical place, seek professional help or find somebody to talk with. As human beings, we need to bond. We also need connection and to be loved for who we are and not for who others want us to be. Read article No. 1 in the resources list below on how the lack of bonding factors into addiction.Whether you see a therapist or life coach, you’ll find that having someone who is rooting for you while still keeping an objective distance may be one of the best choices you make.
Resources
You are welcome to visit my series on mental health for options on where to find help. The following sites, however, provide additional information on how to deal with addiction and midlife crises: